Do you have main character energy? Are you the hero of your own story?
In other words – are you at the centre of your own life?
In a way that question seems an obvious one, with an obvious answer, “Yes”, of course you are!
In fact, it can often feel like we are not at the centre of our own life, like we are not the hero driving the action of our own story. That, either the world and life is happening to us or even that we are an ‘extra’ in someone else’s story, but we have one life. One wonderful, unique life. One life that is OURS and it’s important that you are the hero of yours. By being the hero of your own story, you will feel more connected to your daily experience, find more meaning in the big and small moments, feel more passion, purpose, excitement and energy every day.
Before we look at how you can do this, let’s remind ourselves that all heroes face obstacles. While we all love reading books and watching movies where the heroes and heroines must face adversity, we can too often wish our own lives were convenient, comfortable and carefree. However, as the philosophical and psychological writer Oliver Burkeman recently said – “a life of convenience is not necessarily a very fulfilling or meaningful life”. Actually, just like every hero, in every great story we too must face our own changes and challenges, uncertainties and difficulties, so that in the good times and in the tough times, we can be at the centre of our own story. Embodying what is now being called ‘Main Character Energy’ , which is taking control of and living your best life. It’s ‘when someone puts themselves first and takes control of their narrative, not in a selfish way but in a self-affirming way, that prioritises self-care.’ Yes, it can take effort to be the hero of your own life and by making that effort you will break free from feeling numbed by mundanity, controlled by others or shaped by events. Being the hero of your own story will bring you a heightened sense of vitality and power over your own destiny. Main Character Energy or being the hero of your own story isn’t only for the highs and lows of life. Even in the plain old ordinary times – we can still be our very own ‘everyday hero’ right at the centre of our own choices and our own narrative.
So, what do we need to know and do, to be the hero of our own lives and embody your ‘Main Character Energy’?
- Know that the Power is in You
- Have Courage
- Acquire the necessary Skills
- Take control of the Story of you
- Embrace Commitment
I care so passionately about the idea of being at the centre of your own life and story. Whether through 4D training, coaching or through psychotherapy, I care deeply about helping others to relocate themselves at the centre of their own lives and story. Why? Maybe because I am an identical twin and had to consciously carve my own identity and narrative, maybe because, as a twin, I had a very close relationship with the culture of comparison that can be a burden to so many people in a competitive, social-media driven world, maybe because I experienced a time when I felt like a pinball in a pinball machine – pinging around as the world happened without a clear sense of controlling my own destiny, maybe because when I tragically and very suddenly lost my partner to suicide in 2016, I quickly realised that while that event would be with me forever, my life would be very different depending on how I shaped my narrative from that moment on…. or maybe a combination of all of these things. Maybe it is simply realising that whether on a dog walk, in a conversation with a colleague, talking with a client, or opening the door to the postwoman, in every moment of everyday we have the choice to stay present and at the centre of our own story…however, that story unfolds.
Let’s dive into the 5 practical things you can do to place yourself back at the centre of your own life and ensure you are the hero of your own story.
1. Know that the Power is in You
The first thing is to place yourself at the centre of your life and know that you have what it takes within you to drive your own choices.
For any fans out there of the TV series Friends, I like to think of being at the centre of your own life as Joey getting inside the map. For any non-Friends fans, when the character Joey is visiting London, he struggles to get his bearings while reading a map of the city. He decides there is only one thing for it and says to his friend Chandler “I’m gonna have to go into the map”, at which point he lays the map flat on the pavement and steps inside it, so that he, Joey, is at the centre of his map. At the centre of his next choice and from there he gets clear on which way to go.
Similarly in your own life, the power is not in the map, it’s in you – once you put yourself at the centre of your own choices.
“At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”
Lao Tzu
This means not settling to play a small part in someone else’s story. It means being your own hero, standing up for your own values and dreams. It means setting boundaries and being discerning about what you will and won’t do. It means happening to the world, rather than letting the world happen to you. It means being in the driver’s seat of your own life. More and more research tells us that the future of work will be based on flexibility by way of autonomy – in other words, putting individuals at the centre of their own life and work choices. As far back as 1985, two American psychologists, Richard Ryan and Edward Deci found that ‘intrinsic human motivation’ that is, one’s autonomous motivation for personal, psychological growth — is the foundational catalyst of human success and fulfilment.
For us at 4D this is about being at the centre of our 4D model, operating from your 4th Dimension – your intentional dimension. From here you can embrace your own unique talents and power. Your uniqueness is part of what makes your hero identity. A hero doesn’t hide away because they feel different or flawed or not like other people… quite the opposite. It is by learning to accept and celebrate their uniqueness that they can rise above and become a unique hero in their own unique story. Being a hero in your own life who celebrates your difference and uniqueness means you are saying ‘no’ to shame and yes to your own power. Yes to love – to love of yourself, to love of your life and to the love of your own unique journey. You are saying ‘yes’ to fully experiencing yourself and standing by your own beliefs – from the boardroom to the bedroom, from the kitchen to the conference – right at the centre of your own power and your own life – every day.
“Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you. Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion. Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.”
Rumi
Tip: The Constellation of Power.
Think of some change or uncertainty in your life. Take a piece of paper and draw or write some words to show that change or uncertainty right at the centre of the page. Now draw yourself on the outside. Look at the page and notice what it feels like, take a fresh piece of paper and draw yourself and/or write your name at the centre. Now draw or write the change on the outside! Notice what this second drawing feels like?! With yourself at the centre – what feels possible from here? What CAN you do to manage or impact the situation with yourself at the centre of the choices and actions?
2. Have Courage
As the hero of your own story – think courage rather than confidence. Why? Because we can so often avoid or delay taking an important step or trying something new while we are waiting until we have more confidence but waiting for confidence can be a never-ending trap. That confidence may never come because confidence usually means ‘knowing’ we will be good at something. Confidence comes after we’ve tried or practiced so many times, we are sure of succeeding. So how do we try something new or something big or something scary when we don’t yet have the confidence? Answer: By having courage. We don’t need confidence to try something new – how can we when we have never tried it? We need the courage to give it a go. Living with courage opens up so many more doors than waiting for confidence ever will.
We need struggle and challenge to grow and give our lives meaning and it is moments that require courage which can bring us these opportunities.
“Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself as its most brilliant.”
Paulo Coelho
We don’t go to see a movie where the hero or heroine has no challenges or conflict or disagreements and just sits on the couch in comfort with all their worldly needs provided for. We recognise that this is not a life well lived and that we can sometimes forget this in our own lives and through our own avoidance of discomfort, change or uncertainty.
In any story – epic or ordinary – the hero must face a challenge and a call to action. You, like any hero, may be flawed and frightened but you can still be courageous. Courage doesn’t mean having all the answers, courage doesn’t mean being sure of the outcome, courage doesn’t mean knowing you will be the best or will win, courage doesn’t mean that others won’t disagree or even get in your way – courage simply means you will feel the fear and take the next step anyway.
Courage was there when Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus, when Anne Frank hid silently from the Nazis, when sole plane-crash survivor 17 years old Juliane Koepcke trekked her way out of the Amazon, when Sir Ernest Shackleton fought Antarctica and won, when the ‘unknown rebel’ protested in Tiananmen Square. Courage is there when we stand up for ourselves or our colleague, when we say no to something that crosses our values and when we act from integrity. Courage is present in so many ‘ordinary’ daily acts done by so many ‘ordinary people.” – done by all of us.
What situation are you facing where courage will help you take the next step?
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”
Maya Angelou
TIP: The Courage of “Both” &“And”.
Courage means that you might feel frightened AND you still take action. We can access our own courage by applying the idea of BOTH & AND to everyday situations. Whether you are facing a new challenge or a difficult conversation use BOTH & AND to manage your fear. You might tell yourself ‘I am scared I will screw up AND I am going to say “yes” to doing that presentation’ – because both may be true and you can still have the courage to try. Or you might say to someone else who you have disagreed with ‘I feel very hurt by how things were handled AND I really want us to find a way to work well together.’ How can you apply BOTH & AND to a situation calling for you to be courageous?
3. Acquire the necessary Skills
“Every skill you acquire doubles your odds of success.”
Scott Adams
Every hero needs to learn new skills to take them to the next stage of their story. Harry Potter and Hermione must learn the art of magic, Luke Skywalker and Rey must learn to harness the force, Florence Nightingale – the skills of nursing, while Chuck Noland in Castaway must learn the skills of survival. To embody our main character energy, we need to both acknowledge the skills we already have as well as sometimes learn new skills.
It may be a new language or maybe a new hobby like playing the piano or singing or maybe a writing course or new craft or maybe some new leadership or communication skills.
We must harness the skills we have and develop new ones in order to forge our own path, live fully and build towards our dreams.
Research tells us most people and employees are hungry to keep learning new skills. 94% of employees say they would stay at a company longer if it invested in their learning and development. It is important we recognise this personally in ourselves and also that organisations recognise it more widely. Because if the desire to learn and grow is blocked, people can lose motivation, become disengaged and even disruptive. Individuals and teams can also experience more conflict or boredom burnout when their abilities and potential are not being stretched.
Continuing to learn new skills throughout our lives keeps us motivated, more confident, healthier and happier, it also means we are far more flexible when it comes to change. In other words, as the hero of our own story – having more skills means we are even more resilient and ready for any moments of challenge or difficulty.
Learning is also great for your brain at every age. When we learn a new skill, the brain reshapes itself – changing our understanding, mindset and beliefs. Learning new skills means we gain in confidence and self-belief which leads to having fewer fear responses and a more positive mindset.
Aside from anything else, learning can be great fun and super confidence boosting. The more skills we have at hand, the more opportunities we have at our fingertips. If we are strong in leadership skills we will feel far more equipped in those challenging leadership moments and when we have good presentation skills we can reduce fear and actually look forward to standing on a stage and speaking in public. And all those skills are available to learn! Helping you feel more and more equipped and ready as the hero of your own story.
I love this quote from the artist Salvador Dali:
“Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy – the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?”
Salvador Dalí
Imagine gaining the skills you need to do the things you really want to do in your life – so that you too can wake up each morning feeling like Dali. Learning new skills is something you can start immediately simply by picking up a book or watching a video online and learning new skills can be a part of the rest of your life.
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
Mahatma Gandhi
Tip:
Firstly, make a list of and celebrate the many, many skills you already have. This includes abilities as well as qualities. Some might be so obvious you don’t even think of them as skills – but they are skills. Remember “your obvious is your talent.” Secondly, run ahead in your mind to the ‘future you’ that you want to become. What skills and qualities do you have in that future vision of yourself? Which one of these skills are you going to prioritise and start learning from today?
4. Take control of the Story of you
While we are talking about you as the hero at the centre of your own story, you can also think about taking control of your own story. This means being far more conscious about how you talk about yourself and your life, because the story of your life is hugely impacted by how you talk about your life. Think about it…if a pipe bursts in your house there are an infinite number of ways you could tell that story. You could tell the story as the victim, where bad things always happen to you. You could tell the victorious story of how you fought with the spurting water and saved the day. You could tell the human story of how your unpleasant neighbours came to help and you are now the best of friends. You could tell the story of how you watched the kitchen flood in a zen-like state knowing that things will sort themselves out in time. You could tell the story of how finally you have an excuse to redecorate the kitchen. How you tell each story of your life will impact how your life unfolds, how you experience yourself and how others experience you. This is also true for the everyday ‘story of you.’ By this we mean the way you think about yourself, the language and attitude you use to talk or write about yourself and what you do. Everything you believe and communicate about yourself becomes part of your personal or leadership reputation or ‘brand.’ The story of you creates your profile which will determine how you are viewed, how people talk and think about you and how likely they are to give you opportunities.
“It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”
Patrick Rothfuss, author
Story is absolutely key when it comes to being the hero of your own story. Martin Luther King didn’t say “I had a little thought but it’s probably not up to much” – he said “I have a dream…” Zelensky didn’t say ‘I’m not sure we’re up to the job” and neither did Churchill. Before they did anything else, they took control of the narrative. Sir David Omand, Former Director of GCHQ has written a book called How to Survive a Crisis. In a recent interview he made it clear that when it comes to moments of crisis – success all starts with narrative. “The first thing the leader must produce is that narrative.”
This is true for critical events, organisations, teams as well as for us as individuals. The language you use about yourself will determine whether you are the hero at the centre of your story and the kind of hero you are.
As a recent article by David Robson in New Scientist points out: The narratives we tell about our lives can powerfully shape our resilience to stress. People who generate tales of struggle and redemption from their own lives appear to have much better mental health. People who recognize their triumphs and challenges and who are able to weave them into a coherent detailed narrative tend to have a stronger sense of identity and report greater meaning, life satisfaction, and purpose than those who are vague, disjointed storytellers.
A final note, your story doesn’t have to be an epic journey to faraway lands or outerspace…your story can be simple everyday acts. It simply needs to be your story with you at the centre.
“You have no need to travel anywhere. Journey within yourself, enter a mine of rubies and bathe in the splendour of your own light.”
Rumi
Tip:
Ask your critical inner voice to step back for a moment. Now ask yourself the three positive words or strengths that describe who you truly are and who you want to become even more into the future. From now on, start using these three words about yourself, your work and in conversation every day.
5. Embrace Commitment
Our 5th and final key to being the hero of your own life is the idea of ‘commitment.’ Studies have shown that commitment or perseverance are essential to our success in life. A hero is always committed. Of course, they may have moments of doubt but their underlying commitment will bring them back to their goal. As everyday heroes in our own lives the same is true for us. Whether we are trying to learn Spanish, master the guitar, learn to unicycle, build a business, lead a team, complete a project or maintain a marriage, it is our sense of commitment and perseverance that will see us through the tough moments and help us to keep going.
Being the hero of our own story means that even through the scary or tough moments, we need to commit to learning new skills, and we need to commit to keeping going, step by step, at the centre of our own lives and choices. Being committed means being focussed on the process, on each step we take. Being truly committed to a new skill, a goal, an ambition, or another person, team or business means we will stay focussed, reliable and loyal in the tough times as well as the good times. Commitment is a force that helps us believe something is possible. A force that can bind us to a project, to other people or to a business.
Commitment is a power that increases our resilience, staying power and ultimate chances of success. Commitment means being discerning about what we choose to commit to. With so many options and so many distractions available to us, true commitment means being realistic about what is possible and staying focussed and clear on the ideas, goals and people that really count.
Take a look at the time and lifeline of Abraham Lincoln – a man who had countless challenges and setbacks and who still remained committed to his path:
Abraham Lincoln:
1816 family lost home, 1818 mother died, 1831 lost his job 1832 ran for state legislature – lost, 1833 borrowed money to set up business went bankrupt, 1834 ran state legislature – won, 1835 1st love died – heartbroken, 1838 tried to become speaker of house – defeated, 1843 ran for congress – lost, 1846 ran for congress -won, 1854 ran for senate – withdrew, 1856 nominated for VP – lost, 1858 ran for US senate again – lost, 1860 elected president of the United States.
As heroes in our own stories, we need to not only commit to our goals, but we also need to commit to ourselves. We need to have our own backs, to commit to our own choices and to the possibilities ahead. Commitment means accepting we have fallen, getting back up, taking a breath and keeping going.
“Life is like riding a bicycle; to keep your balance you must keep moving.”
Albert Einstein.
Tip:
When you think about committing to a new or exciting path, is there part of you that feels defeated or tells you there’s ‘no point?’ Ask that part that is blocking you to step back for a moment. Now connect to your core, intentional self and take this space, even for just 10 minutes a day – to do one thing to build towards your dream. Start by committing to just 10 minutes a day. To write that journal, lift those weights, practice that presentation style, listen to that online course. A small commitment every day is a big vote for the you that you are choosing to become!
A personal note:
Earlier this month we celebrated the many inspiring Ted talks and thanked Ted for creating such a wonderful platform. It is 5 years ago that I had the honour to give my own TedX talk – The improvising mindset: How every connection and interaction shapes your reality. That talk really brings together the five elements in this article. Having faced such an overwhelming curveball in my own life, this talk gave me an incredible opportunity to recognise and share that :
- I had the power in me to stand in the centre of my life and to manage and grow through a traumatic loss
- That I had the courage to feel the grief and to keep getting up every day and keep going
- That I could deepen my understanding, learn new coping skills as well as graduate as a psychotherapist to help others
- That I could take charge of my own narrative and future story
- That I could commit to saying ‘yes and’ to the next chapter of my life
We can all access these 5 super-hero strengths. However tough or however habitual life has become, we always have the choice to place ourselves back at the centre of our own experience and be the hero in our own story.
Podcast
Are you embodying your ‘main character energy’ and becoming the hero of your Story? Check out our podcast on topic as we delve deeper:
And 4D is always here to help.
For us at 4D Human Being, some of the most important areas that we can focus on in order to happen to the world and create our own lives from a place of choice are represented in our 4DOnDemand at-desk video courses.
Including taking charge of our 4D WellBeing, becoming more conscious around the Impact that we make, learning the art of Storytelling, becoming confident presenters, as well as taking control of our Personal Profile or brand. Some of the tools from all these series are available to you free with our 4DOD Essentials offer.
So that both inside and out we feel we have the competence, courage and commitment to really live our best lives. So that you can be the hero of your own story every day.
Love the 4D Team xx