So, I recently went on a silent mediation retreat, and there’s nothing like spending 10-days with a group of strangers to be reminded how quickly we make assumptions about others – when we don’t have all the information and how often we get it totally wrong.
On the silent retreat, all we knew of each other were the clothes we wore, the way we walked, our behaviours and actions. We had no idea how each other sounded, where we were from, our jobs, hobbies, histories, stories, hopes, fears or dreams. Nothing but the external appearance.
Ignorance and Assumptions
Still, when we don’t have the full story – it is very habitual for us to make assumptions and fill in the gaps for ourselves. The meditation instructors referred to this habit of creating and believing our own made-up stories about others as ‘Ignorance.’ This habit can keep us – and those we lead, live with or work with – stuck in old patterns, conflicts, beliefs and limitations.
I found myself creating ‘likely’ stories and backgrounds for people, attributing qualities to them based on their facial expressions, the speed they walked down a corridor and whether they gave way to others in doorways. All these actions create a very partial picture of someone and yet, just like at work and with colleagues, we make all kinds of decisions about others – based on very little information. And we might make very different judgements about ourselves – for the very same actions – because the only ‘full’ story we have is our own perspective.
The Humility of Reality
Any assumptions I made based on appearance completely evaporated in a shower of humility when, on the final day, we could all finally speak to each other. When suddenly all these glorious human beings were revealed with stories and histories and feelings and experiences I could never have possibly guessed.
The young Ukrainian poet, the quirky, self-deprecating French woman, the bubbly Irish duo, the entrepreneurial identical twin…the stories, the histories, the whole wonderful, glorious, mix of humanity and the huge difference between my assumptions and the living, breathing, feeling human beings I eventually got to know.
Impact of Assumptions in Leadership
As leader, colleague, friend and humanbeing when you make negative assumptions about another person or situation you are immediately creating limitations, problems and blocks to future possibilities – for yourself, for that person, for your relationship with them and for the opportunities that could have been.
While we do not or cannot know the full story behind another person’s actions…we can stay humble, stay open and stay curious. So much suffering can be avoided by simply asking the question ‘what else could this mean?’
“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” Alan Alda